my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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