I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
