At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
