so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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