You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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