Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
