My liver just broke up with me...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
