I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
