I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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