I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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