Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
