i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
