Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
