Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
