I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
