dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize