I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
