On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
