Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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