Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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