so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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