So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
