he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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