I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
