I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Alive.
So much puke
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
