Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
