someone threw a dead crab at me
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I want a musical about memes.
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