So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
