i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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