I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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