Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
