You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
