I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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