I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
