I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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