Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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