I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
