She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
