like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
