i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
