My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
