Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
