she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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