K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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