my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
