woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
