i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
