Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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