I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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