he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
