WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
