I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
