As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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