I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
