Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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