she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
